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If you have conflict at work, you should confront the issue and resolve it rather than avoid the matter or accommodate your colleagues at your own cost.

Key Number 1: See Conflict as an Opportunity

Look at the conflict as an opportunity to clarify issues. By addressing matters, you will gain the respect of colleagues, including superiors, win back your self-respect and deepen professional relations.

Key Number 2: Know Yourself

Focus and ask yourself: “What is really going on here for me, what made me so upset, and why?” Identify your needs (what is vital for you) and values (guiding principles). List the concrete action you want from your colleague(s).

Key Number 3: Understand Your Colleague(s)

Look at your annoying colleagues as human beings, and identify their needs and values. Consider what action they may need from you.

Key Number 4: Listen Actively

Clear your mind of all assumptions and listen with your ears, your eyes and your heart. Pay attention to the tone of voice used and to what is not being said. Look into the other person’s heart space – what is going on for that person?

Key Number 5: Speak Up For Yourself

Speak up for yourself in an assertive way. Calmly express your needs without de-valuing the needs of others by: describing the facts; explaining how the facts make you feel (impact); explaining why it makes you feel like this; and requesting specific action.

Key Number 6: Identify Common Ground

Shift the focus to what you have in common rather than to what sets you apart – you are employed by the same organisation, you may be in the same team and you may be working on the same project.

Key Number 7: Create a Win-Win Situation

Think how things can work out for all. Focus on reasons why things can be done and brainstorm all options without labeling potential solutions as foolish.

Key Number 8: Know When to Walk Away

When the situation seems to be heading out of control, say: “I think we are both too angry to talk right now. Let’s take some time to calm down before we say things we will regret.” It can be very powerful to walk away from a destructive situation, and you can seek the help of an accredited mediator to continue the dialogue.

(Based on my book ‘Dealing with Conflict at Work,’ which you can download from Amazon)

I love to connect with people so please feel free to leave a comment or shoot me a message. Have a great day! Thilan

We all know them; passive aggressive people.

It is that colleague who in meetings always rolls his eyes, makes snide comments and refuses to engage in any way, shape or form.

Or the co-worker who murmurs under her breath: ‘yeah, yeah, been there, done that, why are we reinventing the wheel’, and when asked to repeat out loud says: ‘never mind’ and goes in silent mode until the next agenda point comes up that makes her murmur again.

Or that stakeholder who, under the disguise of ‘humor’, makes a horrible comment in front of an audience that completely throws you off guard.

It may not surprise you that in my line of work, I come across a fair share of people who have a tendency to behave in a passive aggressive way.

You probably assume that I pretty much dislike these people.

Actually, the opposite is true.

I see these people as ‘wounded souls’ and therefore try to hold my judgement. Let me explain.

Robert M. Branson in his excellent book ‘Coping with Difficult People’ refers to passive aggressive people as ‘snipers.’

For me that description has strong associations.

In my former life, when I worked on prosecuting war criminals in Bosnia and Herzegovina, the siege of Sarajevo often was vividly described by witnesses. During a period of 4 years more than 10.000 people were killed by snipers in Sarajevo, a city situated in a large valley.

Snipers were strategically located on the hills that surrounded Sarajevo. Anyone (men, women or children) who went out to play, find food, see family or just try to live their life had a fair chance to be instantly killed from a distance by snipers that you could not spot.

It was an awful, sneaky way to attack and kill people.

Returning to the relatively safety of the workplace, ‘snipers’ can be pretty damaging as well.

They come in disguise like a wolf in sheep clothes and pretend to be innocent and cooperative but are in fact not. And this non-cooperation can take many forms.

Once I was given a mind baffling example of specific passive aggressive behaviour.

A leader told me that one particular employee refused to sit opposite of her during 1 on 1 meetings.

The employee would make an effort to turn her chair around and would then face her leader with her back and would stay put like this all through the meeting so that the leader had to talk to her back!

Yeah, I know this sounds too crazy but it is a true story and the employee was a professional mature, well-paid person (so was the leader by the way).

So why do I see these people as wounded souls who need are empathy?

Because it is so obvious that they are not happy but instead of discussing their needs they roll their eyes, turn their chairs, make sarcastic comments etc.

They are hiding and deep down they know that this is not a very courageous thing to do.

So how do you deal with passive aggressive people?

Here are my 3 tips:

1. Call them out on their behaviour, preferably in private and if this is not possible you may have to do it in front of the entire group. It would go something like this: ‘Sandra, I noticed that you rolled your eyes a few times, can I assume that this means that you don’t agree with this discussion’?

2. Help them raise their issues in a safe forum, they are not very courageous so they need some reassurance that it is okay to express their opinions. ‘Would you like to share your concerns with me?’

3. Involve others, ask participants in the meeting if they feel the same way as the sniper does. You will often find that this is not the case and then you can use these different opinions as a leverage for a real discussion.

I know it may be a big ask but if you reframe the way you look at a passive- aggressive person as a ‘wounded soul’ who feels unheard, you hold the key to engaging with that person in a much better way.

I would love for you to try these tips and let me know how you go.

You know as a leader your authority depend on how you approach passive-aggressive persons. If you let them get away with their behaviour you set a bad precedence for your other staff.

If you are still unsure how to go about a ‘tricky” passive aggressive person and you

would like to gain some strategies how to specifically deal with passive-aggressive or other difficult people, please hit the reply button or give me a call. You can find my contact details on my website.

Don’t let passive-aggressive people hijack your meetings!

Warm regards,

Thilan

‘A quarrel is like buttermilk: once it is out of the churn, the more you shake it, the more sour it grows’ – Irish proverb.

Conflict is part and parcel of life. In any place where people spend nearly half their waking hours together, there are bound to be misunderstandings, disagreements and annoyances. This, in itself, is not a problem; expressing and exchanging different perspectives and opinions enhances creative thinking.

Conflict does become a problem, however, when disagreements and irritations become full-blown conflicts and result in a serious breakdown of professional interaction among people working together.

Recent research confirms that, from an employee’s perspective, interpersonal difficulties and conflict are the biggest source of stress in the workplace. Most employees who are confronted with conflict in the workplace feel stuck and see no way out, which significantly increases their stress levels. They often are disappointed by the lack of support from management, which might in fact be part of the problem without even realizing it.

Be aware that your business can in no time be hijacked by parties in conflict, anchoring themselves firmly in their self-righteously dug trenches. And they might, deliberately or not, drag confused colleagues into the conflict as well.

And so it can happen that your relatively harmonious workplace turns into a warzone – complete with warlords, suicide bombers, freedom fighters and failed peace negotiations – before your very eyes.

Conflict does not just negatively affect the parties involved. It can also destroy the entire workplace and prove very costly.

More now than ever, stressed employees resort to filing compensation claims in workplace conflicts. In addition, conflict lowers overall morale, and it fosters a culture of distrust and fear. It demotivates other staff members, and it can result in increased stress and absenteeism. The ultimate price to be paid for workplace conflict is a decrease in productivity, and an outflow of talented and hard-working employees. A 2012 Australian survey (R U Okay?) concluded that 48 per cent of employees interviewed would rather resign than address workplace issues

Do you think I am exaggerating? In my practice, I often see conflict among people holding whole businesses or organisations hostage.

For instance, in a case in which a director and assistant director were openly in conflict, constructive meetings became impossible, and the few decisions that were made were undermined or not implemented. This lamed the entire business, affected sales and was detrimental to its reputation once customers became aware that there were problems within the company.

And what about the case in which a harassment claim was filed by an employee against a manager? Action had to be taken; an investigation did not resolve the issues (investigating interpersonal conflict is, in my view, generally ineffective and can lead to “he said, she said” statements). Office gossip and innuendo thrived, other workers took the opportunity to vent matters that had been bothering them and the workplace became toxic. Eventually compensation had to be paid – but not before several people left the business.

So what to do when you are faced with a workplace conflict among employees?

First, it is important to understand that there is nothing airy-fairy about managing workplace conflict. It is all about facing reality and accepting that there are issues that need to be clarified. Having open and honest conversations about feelings and their impact is the only way people can move forward.

Second, it is a misunderstanding to conclude that it is too late to do anything about the conflict. It is never too late.

Transforming workplace is not that difficult. Here are three steps to manage conflict in a constructive way:

Step 1. Acknowledge the conflict and accept that it will not magically disappear

When you ignore conflicts, they fester and come back with a vengeance. Take action when there is a conflict – do not look the other way.

Step 2. Take time to listen to each person involved in the conflict and identify the important issues (including the “elephant in the room”)

Do not presume that people can sort out the conflict themselves. Make time to sit down with your staff members, individually and as a group. Listen in the first place for issues, and once the issues are out in the open start looking for solutions.

Step 3. Know when to seek assistance from a professional, accredited mediator

If your own efforts at mediation fail to yield results, hire an independent mediator to coach the parties and facilitate a dialogue among them. In most cases “the miracle of mediation” does the trick, and people reconnect with one another and deepen their professional relationship. Even if the conflict remains, parties will be at a better understanding of all the issues involved.

Every time I talk about building trust I always get told: ‘Yes Thilan we know that it’s important but building trust takes a lot of time (and we ain’t got that in our day).’ 

That it takes time to really connect with people in a way that you can count on them, is such a story many so-called ‘leadership experts’ will tell that we have actually started believing in it.

My take on this?

It’s baloney that building trust takes time.

If that were true it would mean that every person you know for a long time is someone you can trust and vice versa: everyone you’ve just met seems unreliable.

The fact is that trust is a feeling, an emotion. You can’t say: from today onwards I’ll trust you. Well you can say it but it doesn’t work. You can’t rationally decide to trust someone. You need to feel that trust in your gut and your bones.

So who am I to tell you that building trust doesn’t have to take time?

It’s actually something that I have practised all my professional life.

First when I was a barrister, later when I was working on human rights and war crimes in the middle of killing fields and now in my role as team coach and mediator.

I always had to build trust immediately.

So I know that you can build trust on the spot but it takes a few things that are simple but not easy.

First of all you need to be authentic. You need to be you. 

People have a huge BS radar and will look through anything especially if you’re ‘fake’.

Secondly, you need to be transparent and have open and honest conversations.

People hate it when it seems to them you have a hidden agenda.

Thirdly, you need to give in order to receive.

If you want people to trust you, you need to give them the feeling you trust them first.

Once you have a genuine connection you can work with people and create amazing results. 

I hear you say: I can’t do. That’s just not me!

Well, in that case start with giving people at least a sliver of trust. Otherwise you can forget that they’re going to give you trust back. Believe you me! 

It is my personal belief, having worked with a lot of dodgy people, including (war) criminals, it may not always be easy, but if we can’t focus on the good in human beings then we are lost as a human race.

So if you want to be a respected leader, stop telling yourself that it takes time to build trust and start building real connections asap.

It will help you and it will help your team.

And…

Make sure you do this with everyone you come across and not just the people you gel with and who are just like you.

As a coach I get to talk to so many people. And it’s fascinating to see where different people are at in their journey.

Some people are high achievers reaching for the stars. Others have a great career and want to focus on a better work – life balance.

Then there are people who’ve lost all confidence and seem to be lost. They’ve given up on their career, focus doom and gloom, and are doing the bare minimum aka have retired on the job. The kind of pale, stale and male (or female) thing.

Maybe this resonates with you. Whatever the cause of you feeling unhappy in your job, it’s important to realise that you’re not alone.

Many people, go through periods of self-doubt and lack of motivation in their careers. The reality is no one will come knocking on your door to help you out. Believe you, me I know what I am talking about.

You must find a way to get out of the dumps and believe at the light at the end of the tunnel.

In the end this is your life, and not a rehearsal.

So here are some tips to help you re-engage and regain confidence in yourself:

Identify the root cause.

It’s important to take some time to reflect on why you are feeling disengaged. Is it a lack of challenge in your current role? Do you feel undervalued or unappreciated? Are your colleagues driving you nuts?

Once you identify the root cause, you can begin to take steps to address it.

Set new goals and stick to them.

Setting goals can help you focus on your potential and what you want to achieve. Make sure your goals are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART). Write them down and track your progress.

Focus on your strengths.

When you’re feeling down and out, it’s easy to focus on all the stuff you suck at. Why not do something different and force yourself to focus on your strengths and what comes so natural to you. (By the way that’s the stuff you do with ease and take for granted). You could make a list of all the amazing things you’ve done and forgot about again. This will boost your confidence and motivate you to step out of your comfort zone.

Seek out new challenges.

If you’re feeling out in the dumps, maybe you’re not being challenged enough. Seek out new challenges and opportunities that push you beyond your limit. This can rekindle your career sparkle.

Make sure you put your oxygen mask on first.

You can’t give what you ain’t got. Make sure you’re recharge your batteries. Do stuff that gives you joy!

Step out of your comfort zone.

Ultimately, getting out of your comfort zone will lead to a more fulfilling and rewarding life.

Don’t let fear hold you back from pursuing your dreams and reaching your full potential.

Remember, the only limit to what you can achieve is the limit you set for yourself. I wish you all the best on your journey towards growth and success.

Ditch the excuses.

Remember, it’s never too late or you’re never too old. If you need inspiration: Look at Joe Biden – he became President at age 79 and is going for a second term.

Need some help?

There are several ways I can coach and mentor you, either in a group setting or 1:1, so just hit reply and I can help you get unstuck.

Halloween is just around the corner, and while you may think the spookiest part of this season is the haunted house down the street, many leaders will tell you that the real fright fest can often be found right in the workplace.

That’s right, we’re talking about the ghostly figures, vampire co-workers, and even the occasional workplace witch that can make your office a real house of horrors.

I’ll dive into some spine-tingling tales of difficult people in the workplace and offer you some treat-filled tips on how to deal with them, all while keeping the Halloween spirit alive. 🕸️💀

• The Poltergeist of Procrastination

First up we have the Poltergeist of Procrastination. Ever had a colleague who’s always got a thousand excuses for not getting things done? The Poltergeist of Procrastination is the master of creating chaos without contributing anything substantial. They’re like a ghostly presence, always floating by without leaving any real impact. 👻

Tip: To tame the Poltergeist of Procrastination, don’t be afraid to set clear expectations and deadlines and hold people responsible. Ghostly excuses won’t cut it if you’ve communicated your expectations clearly. Follow up regularly and, if needed, offer a hand to guide them through the process – they might not be a lost cause after all. If they continue to underperform, be prepared to have a firm conversation about expectations and consequences. 🗂️✅

• The Vampire Colleague 🦇

Beware the Vampire Colleague, for they thrive on sucking the lifeblood out of meetings and water-cooler conversations. Always quick to drain the energy from a room, these individuals can leave your team feeling like they’ve been visited by the undead.

Tip: To combat the Vampire Colleague, ensure your meetings have a clear agenda and time limit. Vampires can’t survive in the sunlight, so keep things well-lit and focused and respectively call out energy stealing behaviour. Additionally, offer praise for constructive contributions and set boundaries for off-topic discussions. 🧛♂️💉

• The Office Witch 🧙♀️

Next, we have the Office Witch. This character is known for their uncanny ability to brew up drama, often leaving a trail of gossip and negativity in their wake. They might not arrive on a broomstick, but they can certainly cast a dark spell over your workplace.

Tip: To deal with the Office Witch, foster a culture of open communication and transparency. Encourage employees to address issues directly and professionally. Coach them on how to resolve conflict. Also, set an example by promoting positivity and highlighting teamwork. 🌟🧹

• The Mummy of Micromanagement 🧟

Micromanagement is like being wrapped in a web of bandages, and it’s exactly what the Mummy of Micromanagement specializes in. This character will follow you around, scrutinize your every move, and ensure you’re entangled in their control-freak cocoon.

Tip: To unwrap yourself from the Mummy of Micromanagement, try having a candid conversation with them about your needs and their needs and how they can both be met. Explain how you value their input and need to make sure things are done well, but also need room to breathe and make your own decisions. Offering regular progress updates can help ease their fears and loosen those restrictive bandages. 🗃️🔓

Conclusion

The workplace can sometimes feel like a haunted house filled with these Halloween characters, but as leaders, it’s our job to ensure that the office remains a productive and positive space.

By following the tips above and maintaining a healthy sense of humor, you can navigate the spookiest of situations with professionalism and finesse. Remember, even Halloween characters in the workplace can become valuable team members with the right approach.

So, as Halloween approaches, don’t let the office ghouls haunt your workplace. Instead, don’t label people and treat every challenging colleague with respect by addressing issues directly, and cultivating a work environment that’s more treat than trick.

Happy Halloween, and may your office be free of spooky workplace stories! 🎃🕷️🌟